Who is more foolis than who?

Dear Mr/s Member of Parliament,

I must say, initially I thought you were the fool with all that hulabaloo about wanting to legally bring in the Artur brothers (any idea where those dudes are by the way?) and ransack media houses and give the policeman another opportunity to extort money from me because my phone ring is set to "Kenya inchi yetu, iko matata" and not the originial Nokia phonetune. Alas, how foolis of me to think that you are more foolis than me and my fellow Kenyans!

Clearly you have studied your enemy very well. Clearly you have understood that us constituents are just like warthogs: very forgetful.

Just recently we all got upset because you don't want to pay taxes and spent lots of money printing tshirts and all we got was a cannister of teargas in our faces for those lousy tshirts.


Then of course we got all excited that you were going to book yourselves into Kamiti because you did not want to spend good hard earned cash flying first class to the Hague. But as true patriots, you have chosen to spend all our money on the local economy at our local courts.

And there are those other things I can vaguely remember like Anglofleecing, Goldenwhachamacallit, Grand Regency. In fact you even gave us the opportunity to remember all these wonderful stories by inviting some of your friends to Jamhuri park but we were all too distracted by that chap who wanted to give you a letter that we did not rise to your hint and look behind your back at who is sitting there.

But when you craftily cooked up that media choma thing and then we all forgot how much money you owe us and started screaming about the right to have our own phone tunes and not to get thumped by strange looking men from Eastern Europe. And now we are thanking you for reconsidering and everyone gets to go back to Parliament and spend more of our money talking about things they have not even read.

You are right: we are more foolis than you...

If they don't have unga, let them eat..

Dear Mr/s. Member of Parliament,

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I know it might be still too soon since you came back from your much deserved break but a couple of million constituents (you know those silly people who voted for you) are mumbling and grumbling again about how hungry they are.

And of course the media has to make a fuss about it. I think since you managed to put a sock in the media's mouth, they must have really little to talk about so they are filling in the pages with stories about those starving watu of yours.

So now that you have spent the festive season filling your bellies with booze and meat, perhaps you really need to put one of your dirty sock's in the media's mouth once and for all. I mean, such stories are a disgrace. What will all those tourists think when they are laying by the poolside drinking pina coladas and they see such garbage on our papers. And what of all the donors attending workshops at the Grand Regency? How do you think people are going to be able to focus on all those important meetings about...um...you know about like saving Africa and stuff?

Media: Blackout MPs

By Betty Caplan

Parliament plans to black out the media: the media's response must be to black out members of parliament. Tit for tat. Consider this: a week without Raila in sweeping white garb, Kibaki smiling at a crowd being promised something they know they won't get; a week without Martha Karua's carefully brushed coiffure and perfectly enunciated KiSwahili. Remember no-one loves to be in the limelight more than politicians. We may actually have space to discuss what is to be done in the current mess.

Do you realize that a mere 35 MPs voted for the Media (amendment) Bill - 35 out of 222! What were the others doing, when something apparently of such overweening importance was being aired. One member of the House (I refuse to call it august) has a regular column in another national paper. This week he complained "There's nothing to envy about an MP's life and the job is thankless." Was the Assistant Minister for Higher Education Science and Technology spending time with his constituents who were visiting his home which they feel free to do day or night or was he seeking refuge in his rural abode to get away from them with his family whom he has too little time for? Was he being a professional beggar, shamelessly soliciting government ministers and bureaucrats or NGOs or being ridiculed, insulted and openly shunned as a potential (rather than an actual) thief?

The Hon. Mwiria cannot attend the House because mundane tasks distract him: he must be a marriage counselor, education advisor and an intermediary in location and family conflicts - tasks no doubt his training has equipped him to do. He must be an ATM machine coughing out money for school fees, hospital bills, funeral expenses and land issues. "Some MPs carry no less than Ksh 200,000 to use with the public any weekend they head home in addition to what they use in Nairobi." Well, if you've got it, why not flaunt it? He even has to, horror of horrors, pay rounds of drinks for those who can afford it. It strikes me that such ministers are poorly prepared House work.

There is a little word in English that has the power to move mountains, It is "No." No, I won't pay because you drink too much anyway and you'll get in your cars and knock someone over. No, I won't have a meal in a public place when my constituents don't even have the money to buy unga to eat in private. No I will not continue this ugly system of patronage that makes me a one-man charity and turns my constituents into perpetual beggars. Yes, I will pay tax on my allowances and even vote for a decrease in salary so that the obscene gap between us can at last narrow if not disappear altogether. No, I will put off my phone when in a meeting, in Parliament or taking a rest and if I am classified as "proud and inaccessible", then so be it. Shauri yako. I am not God; I cannot be all things to all men and women. I am human, or supposed to be.

As for the "frustration in not being able to accomplish even a tenth of what is expected of him and then however good your performance you are blamed as a failure," the revered minister must be aware that is exactly what the humble schoolteacher suffers year after year. In fact it occurred to me they had much in common. Schoolteachers too are meant to be pillars of the community, ATM cards, marriage counselors and of course educators who produce brilliant results no matter what quality of student material they are working with or how inadequate the school's facilities are - no textbooks, desks, clean toilets, libraries. The Minister complains that "you have to toe the line of the party chief or you are gone", but the schoolteacher has to put up with incompetent, inefficient, corrupt and greedy Headmasters and keep mum or else she risks being transferred to the bush. As for going through abusive campaigns to be an MP, the Minister might try just for a little work experience slogging away day after day with students who don't want to learn, who can't see the point of education because these days Ph.ds drive taxis if they're lucky and who think that if you can't get them through any exam without their doing a stroke of work you a nobody. The more I think of it the job is the same. Except for the salary, tax- free allowances and perks of course.

(Betty Caplan is a freelance journalist and writer living in Kenya. Click HERE to read more of her work.)

Six more journalists arrested over law

Click on image for full story

URGENT: appeal for release of Mwalimu Mati and others

From members of Kenya for Peace, Truth and Justice:

As you know, many were detained yesterday following attempts to peacefully protest during Jamhouri Day celebrations.

Most of those detained have since been released.

However:

1. Mwalimu Mati of the Media Analysis and Research Services (MARS) Group and his wife Jane remain in custody at Langata Police Station Nairobi...they have not yet been charged (at which point they could apply for bail) more than 24 hours after their detention...we are deeply concerned that the intent is to hold them for no apparent purpose up to the maximum of 48 hours.

2. Fred Odhiambo of Bunge la Wananchi was just brought to Langata Police Station from Nyayo Stadium, where he'd been detained overnight. He has been badly beaten and has just been moved to Nairobi Women's Hospital for treatment, still in detention.

3. Four colleagues in Garissa remain in detention for simply trying to present the Provincial Commissioner with a memorandum.

Please:

1. Use any influence you have in government to demand all's unconditional release...the rights to the freedoms of assembly and expression have been violated by their continued detention;
2. Focus attention on the Commissioner of Police, where the directive for their contined detention seems to be coming from;
3. Focus attention on the President and Prime Minister for having utterly failed to demonstrate enlightened leadership during yesterday's events;
4. Ensure this sad story gets to the media, here and elsewhere as well as to any and all diplomatic contacts we have.

Click HERE to read the full statement from the Partnership for Change