Dear Mr. President...TAKE ME TO THE HAGUE!

Dear Mr. Kibaki,

I am beginning to think that your advisors may not be as competent as they make themselves out to be and perhaps all this democracy stuff is not as effective as you may have thought nor is sitting in parliament, passing bills and having to put up with all those silly squabbles. Mr. Kibaki, I think we have been duped by our friends in the west and all that freedom of speech maneno. No, I don't think it is for Africa.

I mean look at the mess it has got us into: people on the streets protesting because of Palestinians dying (I mean what has that got to do with us??); teachers striking; people complaining that some of your advisors have stolen their maize; you having to go and beg from your buddies in the west; you having to keep bringing your friends into Cabinet and then throwing them out...it's all too complicated. I think we need to learn from our neighbours how to rule a country, not from those silly people in the west who are all crying because they lost their jobs? Pathetic!

And let's get down to the real business. Your advisors were not even able to arrange a proper tribal war and genocide. Shame on them! Everything was perfect. Elections rigged, people hungry, weapons available a stone throw away in Somalia and all they could manage was a couple of thousand people hacked to bits and then they left you to have to sort out all the IDP issues! Hundreds of thousands of people displaced and all those Human Rights activists screaming at you! What a mess.

Mr. Kibaki, I would like to volunteer at my own expense to go to the Hague as soon as possible. I have a great plan. There is this chap currently booked into one of the Hague's finest hotels and he is getting first class treatment because he really knows how to sort things out. This guy really knows how to operate. Check this out:




















Now if you look carefully, the chap holding the automatic weapon could not be more than thirteen or fourteen. So smartly dressed too! I am told young boys are so much easier to deal with. They are trigger happy, have no idea what democracy is all about and all it takes is a little bit of this and that. And our country is full of those useless street urchins! We can put them to good use and I bet you anything it will cost you half the price of what you have to pay your advisors to sit around all day in parliament to play with their new mobile phones!

After careful research, I am convinced that this is definitly the way to go. So much easier than starving people to death as well. And a lot cleaner. Compare this:

And this:















I am sure you would agree with me that the latter strategy is much more effective, much less noisy and so much easier to implement. Look around you: Rwanda, Darfur, Congo, Uganda, Somalia, Ethiopia, Eritrea. If they can do it properly why can't we??

So, Mr Kibaki, please help me arrange a visa to the Hague and I promise you that all your questions will be answered! I am happy to pay for myself as a gesture of patriotism to Kenya (and I even promise to bring some of that fine chocolate back too!)